21 December 2012

 

Son : "Dad, Australia is already on 21 Dec and nothing happens there... "

Dad : "Sh*t! We forgets that we have different time all around the world!"

Just for Laugh

Ketawa masih gratis

Ketawa terbahak-bahak (tertawa yang lepas) 3 kali sehari bisa memperpanjang umur dan membuat tampil awet muda. Terbukti secara ilmiah bahwa ketika tertawa, sekitar 144 otot muka tertarik mengencang ke belakang, memperlancar peredaran darah di muka sehingga wajah tampil awet muda.

Ini jelas merupakan usaha yang murah dan mudah daripada berboros2 untuk spa, operasi, dan segala usaha alternatif yang menyiksa diri dan kantong… =D

MEN brain..

The 1st testicular guard was used in baseball in 1874 & the 1st helmet was used in 1934.
It took 60 yrs for MEN to realize that BRAIN is ALSO important!!

100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Thoughts On Aging

01) Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

02) There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

03) You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

04) Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

05) Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

06) You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

07) Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

08) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

09) Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

10) A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

11) You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

How They Have Sex

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

perlunya lifescience dan seks

Tak perlu berpanjang-panjang lagi, seks pastilah hal yang teramat penting bagi setiap insane. Bukan cumin karena keinginan melakukannya adalah hal yang teramat alamiah dan mungkin primitive, setua umur manusia – tapi juga karena manfaat seks pun bermacam-macam. Ini dia diantaranya :

1. Studi-studi menunjukkan bahwa ketika wanita bercinta, mereka memproduksi hormon estrogen dua kali lipat, yang membuat rambut mereka berkilau dan kulit mereka lebih halus. (ngga perlu sunsilk!)

2. Hubungan intim yang lembut dan rileks mengurangi resiko terkena dermatitis, mengurangi jerawat dan membuat kulit bercahaya. (Ngga perlu extraderm!)

3. Seks juga membakar kalori yang telah disantap sebelumnya, misalnya dalam acara makan malam yang romantic. (Ngga perlu impression!)

4. Seks merupakan olahraga yang paling aman, karena meregangkan dan menggerakkan seluruh otot-otot tubuh. Dan tentu saja jauh lebih asyik, ketimbang berenang 20 kali bolak-balik! (Ngga perlu ke Senayan!)

5. Frustrasi atau depresi ringan? Para ahli mengatakan bahwa seks adalah ‘obat’ instan untuk menyembuhkan kedua hal itu. Sebab, seks membuat tubuh melepas endorphin ke dalam aliran darah, yang kemudian memproduksi rasa euphoria. Hasilnya, Anda merasa diri Anda menjadi lebih komplit. (Ngga perlu beli BMW!)

6. Lebih banyak seks yang dilakukan, lebih banyak lagi kenikmatan yang akan Anda tawarkan kepada pasangan. Tubuh yang aktif secara seksual, memberi zat kimia yang disebut feromon. Ini adalah aroma alamiah yang membuat lawan jenis Anda tergila-gila. (Ngga perlu gila! Eh salah…)

7. Seks adalah obat penenang teraman di dunia. Konon, efektivitasnya 10 kali lebih baik ketimbang valium. (Ngga perlu nostressa!)

8. Berciuman setiap hari juga akan membuat Anda tak perlu sering-sering ke dokter gigi. Berciuman membuat ludah mencuci bekas makanan dan mengurangi kadar asam yang mengakibatkan pembusukan, serta mencegah penumpukan plak. (Ngga perlu liserin!)

9. Sakit kepala juga bisa dihilangkan oleh seks yang nikmat. Sesi percintaan akan melepas ketegangan yang menghalangi beredarnya darah di otak. (Ngga perlu bodrex!)
10. Kegunaan seks yang terakhir adalah sebagai antihistamin. Seks akan membantu memerangi asma dan deman. (Ngga perlu neo napacin!)

Setuju?

From ; hshandoyo

nikmatnya rokok...

Berbahagialah para perokok, karena ternyata merokok itu ada keuntungannya juga dibalik kerugian yg seabreg...

# Keuntungan Merokok

 1. Perokok pasif lebih berbahaya daripada perokok aktif, maka untuk mengurangi resiko tersebut aktiflah merokok.

 2. Menghidarkan dari perbuatan jahat karena tidak pernah ditemui orang yg membunuh, mencuri dan berkelahi sambil merokok.
 3. Mengurangi resiko kematian; dalam berita tidak pernah ditemui orang yg meninggal dalam posisi merokok.
 4. Berbuat amal kebaikan; kalau ada orang Yg mau pinjam korek api paling tidak sudah siap / tidak mengecewakan orang Yg ingin meminjam
 5. Baik untuk basa-basi / keakraban; Kalau ketemu orang misalnya di halte kita bisa tawarkan rokok. Kalau basa-basinya tawarkan uang kan nggak lucu.
 6. Memberikan lapangan kerja bagi buruh rokok, dokter, pedagang asongan dan perusahaan obat batuk.
 7. Bisa untuk alasan untuk tambah gaji karena ada post untuk rokok dan resiko baju berlubang kena api rokok.
 8. Bisa menambah suasana pedesaan / nature bagi ruangan ber AC (dengan asapnya ) sehingga seolah-olah berkabut.
 9. Menghilangkan bau wangi-wangian ruang bagi yg alergi bau parfum.
 10. Kalau mobil mogok karena busi ngadat tidak ada api, maka sudah siap api.
 11.Membantu program KB dan mengurangi penyelewengan karena konon katanya merokok bisa menyebabkan impoten.
 12.Melatih kesabaran dan menambah semangat pantang menyerah karena bagi pemula merokok itu tidak mudah; batuk-batuk dan tersedak tapi tetap diteruskan (bagi yg lulus).
 13.Untuk indikator kesehatan; biasanya orang Yg sakit pasti dilarang dulu merokok. Jadi yg merokok itu pasti orang sehat.
 14.Menambah kenikmatan: sore hari minum kopi dan makan pisang goreng sungguh nikmat. Apalagi ditambah merokok !

 

 # Perokok itu adalah orang yg serba 'lebih':

 a. Lebih kreatif: mereka sangat kreatif dalam menyimpan bungkus rokok mereka,seperti di perut di balik baju, di pundak di bawah baju, di dalam kaos kaki, di lipatan ketiak dan di sudut- sudut badan lainnya.
 b. Lebih pemikir: coba lihat mereka yg menghisap rokok dalam-dalam,pasti mukanya terlihat berpikir keras (CERDAS)
 c. Lebih irit: mereka bisa tidak makan berhari-hari asal ada rokok yg bisa dihisap.
 d. Lebih hemat: gara-gara tidak makan berhari-hari mereka tidak perlu baju atau celana baru (paling baju lama dikecilin).
 e. Lebih sehat: mereka terbiasa melatih paru-paru dalam menghisap dan menghembuskan asap rokok, jadi paru-paru mereka lebih sehat dari Yg bukan perokok. Biaya kesehatan jadi menurun drastis.
 f. Lebih berwawasan lingkungan: mereka menghisap rokok yg berbahan baku tanaman. Jadi dunia tetap akan hijau selama mereka menghisap rokok.
 g. Lebih sosial: mereka membagikan asap yg mereka beli kepada orang lain.

 

 # Untung-nya ada Rokok:

 1. Perokok awet muda, karena belum tua sudah pada mati.
 2. Perokok rumahnya aman, karena tiap malam batuk melulu.
 3. Perokok paling dermawan, karena rajin nyumbang ke dokter.
 4. Perokok mengurangi persaingan, karena wanita perokok anaknya pada idiot.
 5. Perokok tempat mengumpulkan amal bagi orang, karena menyiksa orang dengan asapnya di bis, mikrolet, atau tempat umum lainnya.
 6. Perokok mempunyai musik Seumur hidupnya.. (tiap malam Ngik-ngiiik,...)
 7. Perokok bebas nggak pernah baca doa sebelum ngerokok.
 8. Perokok membuat suasana bioskop lebih rame. Yg tadinya Full AC, menjadi full asep
 9. Perokok nggak perlu tutup hidung bila buang hajat
 10. Merokok itu baik dapat mengurangi peledakan penduduk (Mati duluan)
 11. Merokok dapat membuka lapangan pekerjaan untuk pemungut puntung rokok 

 from ; hshandoyo